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These thoughts are self-help and self-hypnosis suggestions for general situations, or for fun, and are not intended to resolve long-term or complex personal problems. If you are able to experience a change based on the suggestions, you are able to manipulate your internal experience with little assistance. If you try the process and find it hard to do, there is nothing wrong with your or the process. It could simply mean that you need someone else to help guide you. If you have any questions or want more information about hypnosis, email Karen Schwarz at trance@twcny.rr.com.
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Thought for January: Where Do You Look and How Do You Finish Your Sentences? (Part 1)
Happy New Year!
I begin this month’s thought with two related questions: Where do you look, and how do you finish your sentences?
Today, I’ll address at the first question and next month, the second. Here we go…
“Where do you look?” There are many ways to look at our progress - or our lack of progress. Here’s an example: Let’s say I’m trying to lose a few pounds (or mow the lawn, or write a report, or learn a new concept, or whatever). I persist despite difficulties, and I’m halfway to my goal, but I keep slipping up on that treat they’ve laid out in the kitchen at work. As a result, my progress toward my goal is slower than I had hoped. Which is true: (1) I keep slipping up on the treats at work, or (2) I am reaching my goal slowly?
Both! Now, here’s the thought. Neurolinguistic Programming suggests that what you focus on will guide your behavior. If you focus on the fact that you slip up and neglect the fact that you are progressing, the slip-ups will dominate your thoughts. You will try to “not eat those treats” and, paradoxically, are more likely to engage the exact behavior you want to avoid. When you focus on what you want to avoid, you are actually guiding your mind to that very behavior.
Some of my clients have heard me tell them to “not think about pencils”. As you try to “not think about pencils”, what would likely be the first thing you think about? I’m guessing you probably thought about pencils. And even if you were quickly able to refocus your thoughts elsewhere so it felt like you weren’t thinking about pencils, you likely had to start with a flash-image of pencils and then immediately move to another thought. To “not do” something, you have to keep half a mind’s eye out for the thing you’re trying to avoid.
To accomplish your goals, it is more helpful to focus on what you are doing right, and/or what you do want instead. So, a better focus would be to acknowledge that I am eating fruits or vegetables with every meal, that I am consciously monitoring my portions, and/or that I exercise at least 20 minutes daily (or whatever).
Now, if I really do want to avoid that “treat sneaking” behavior, I look at what I CAN do. For example, each time I reach for that treat, I remind myself of my goal and my progress to date, or each time I go to the kitchen I go with someone who supports my goals and knows I want to avoid those treats, or I decide for what I’m going into the kitchen before I go in, and focus on my original intention.
These tools take some work, but they are doable. Decide how you want to accomplish your goal and find a way to do it.
Next month, I address the question: “How do you finish you sentences?” Stay tuned!
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Thought for February: Where Do You Look and How Do You Finish Your Sentences: (Part 2)
Welcome!
Last month we tackled the question “Where do you look?” We addressed the concern of a person who is progressing toward her weight loss goals but slipping up periodically on treats left in the kitchen at work. It was noted that, rather than looking at or focusing on her slips and problems, it would be best for her to look at what she is doing right and, if struggling, what she can do right.
This month we address the second question: “How do you finish your sentences?”
Notice the difference between these two sentences: (1) “I am progressing toward my goals, but I keep slipping up”, and (2) “I keep slipping up, but I am progressing toward my goals.” Say them out loud. Which sounds/feels better? Notice that both sentences are true, even though they feel different. We put more emphasis on the second part of a sentence when the word “but” is used.
Maybe you prefer the first option. That’s okay. Simply be aware that your choice of thoughts could be hindering your progress. You could continue thinking the same way, or you could change when you’re ready.
If you prefer the second option and, at the same time, realize you still need to make changes and/or enhance your progress, here are a couple of suggestions:
You can add reasons why the second part of the sentence is true: “Even though I slip up with the treats at work, I am progressing toward my goals because I eat more vegetables, I recommit to my goal every morning, I am eating less fat and sugar than before, and am exercising regularly (identifying what you are doing right).
And for extra benefit, identify the behavior you will engage instead: “I only enter the kitchen at lunch time and only eat what I have planned.”
Remember, last month we discussed “where you look” as an important direction to the progress you are making. If you look at and finish your sentences with what you are doing right, you are helping yourself get that much closer to accomplishing your goals.
Try it – see if it makes a difference in one behavior. If it helps, you can use this in other life areas.
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Thought for March
In The Hidden Messages in Water (by Dr. Masaru Emoto, Beyond Words Publishing, 2004) Dr. Masaru Emoto, a scientific researcher and healer, describes the ability of water to absorb, hold, and retransmit human feelings and emotions. Dr. Emoto used high-speed photography to capture images of ice crystals, and showed that the crystal structure was impacted by specific, concentrated thoughts, music, photographs, and even written words. (Part of his research included taping the words “love” and “hate” on the outside of bottles of water, and photographing the resulting crystals, with astonishing results.) The most beautiful, symmetrical, complex, and brilliant crystals were formed from clear springs, using words such as “love”, “gratitude”, “thank you”, and other positive words. Negative words such as “hate”, as well as jarring music, and polluted water created dull, ill-formed, and incomplete patterns. He suggests that since people are 70 percent water, and the Earth is 70 percent water, we can heal our planet and ourselves by consciously expressing love and goodwill.
His message is simple and powerful. (If you are interested, I encourage you to get the book from your library or buy it - used online copies are inexpensive - to see the pictures and read the research for yourselves.) For those who would rather read the summary here, the book suggests that the thoughts you think could impact the way you feel and, perhaps, the world around you.
So… here’s my suggestion: If you feel bitter or resentful toward another person, for example, you can, for five minutes, go to a quiet place and imagine him or her experiencing good things – maybe good health, happiness, or something else that most people would want. This can be hard to do, but you can see if, with serious effort, it makes you feel differently toward that other person and within yourself. You have nothing to lose. After all, you can go back to resenting that person when you’re done with the exercise if you’d like.
Another option, if you feel negatively toward yourself, is to sit quietly for a few minutes, generate feelings of love and direct them toward yourself. I wonder how that would make you feel when you are done. Again, there is nothing to lose - if you’d like to return to perceiving yourself in a negative light when you’re done, feel free.
These exercises take effort, but I believe are worth the time and energy. Good luck and happy healing!
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Thought for April
“Chunk It Your Way”
Are you sometimes paralyzed by procrastination? Immobilized into inaction? Do you have tasks you know need to be done, but you struggle to complete them?
I think many of us have times when we want to avoid certain chores or activities. Maybe we’re not quite sure how to do it, or it seems too complicated, boring or threatening. Or maybe it just seems too big to accomplish, or too far away in time to matter.
Well, one way to face the problem is to “chunk it”. Here’s what I mean:
Some people do better when they keep their eyes on the long-term goal, or the big picture – that would be called chunking up – and some do better when they take a task in small bits - that’s chunking down. Read on for examples…
If you are an athlete, let’s say a distance runner, and want to complete your first marathon - but the training seems daunting, you could “chunk up”. You would do this by keeping the long-term goal – the marathon – in the forefront of your mind each time you trained. For example, if you focused on the day at hand, and thought about having to get up, put your sneakers on, and run “X” miles to train, your motivation might flag and your investment might be halfhearted – or you might be tempted to skip your workout. But, if you get up each day with the goal in your mind – that championship – your training might be more energized and your motivation strong.
On the other hand, AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and other twelve-step programs work on the principle of “chunking down”. The phrase “one day at a time” is exactly what that is about. Using the marathon example, if I thought about running 26 (point something) miles, I might pull my covers over my head and go back to sleep. But, if I thought about running 5% farther than I did last week, I might be more motivated to get out there. After all, if I could do “X” miles last week, I could certainly do “X+ 5%” today.
So… there is no wrong way to chunk it, and you’ll notice that, sometimes, you might function better when you “chunk up” and other times, depending on the activity, you do better “chunking down”. Recognize what works best for you for each situation, set out to tackle it that way, and you’ll get some things done you wouldn’t have in the past.
Now go and “get r done”!
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Thought for May
Commitment and Success
Have you ever wondered why, despite a tremendous desire, you revert to an irritating or self-damaging behavior after a short time of positive changes?
I suggest it might be due to your level of commitment to change. “What?” you ask. “I can’t stand that old behavior. I really want to quit it. I definitely committed to change.”
Well, there’s a difference between a desire to quit and a commitment to quit. Maybe you can hear it in the phrasing. Pick a behavior you’re tired of. Now say “I really want to quit doing ‘x’.” Then say “I am committed to quitting ‘x’.” Can you feel, hear or see the difference?
Usually a desire to quit - smoking is a good example (you can use any behavior of your choice) - means that you don’t want the consequences of the behavior. “I’m tired of huffing and puffing up a short flight of stairs. I can’t stand the fact that I know I smell bad and my fingers and teeth are yellow. I’m sick of the amount of money I spend on cigarettes. I’m afraid of getting emphysema or COPD – my mother died after living 15 years on an oxygen tank and I don’t want to live – or die - like her.” Etcetera.
A commitment to change means you’re willing to go to any lengths to stop doing the old behavior. It might mean making a phone call instead of picking up a cigarette (or whatever behavior you want to quit), or taking a walk in the rain, or eating a celery stick, or some other potentially inconvenient, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable but useful option (I will address this in a later “Thought”).
The level of success you experience is dependent on your commitment to change that behavior. Your best bet is to be honest with yourself. Think hard – do you want to get rid of the symptoms and consequences of that behavior, or do you really want to behave differently despite the lengths you will need to go to maintain that change?
There is no wrong answer! If you are honest with yourself and decide you really don’t want to change, you’ve saved yourself from the disappointment of trying and failing. And you might decide at another time you really are ready to commit. Then you can do so with your full intention.
And if you decide you are ready to commit to new behaviors, then have at it. By the way, you can still have setbacks and make mistakes despite being committed. If you are committed to change, you get back on track by figuring out what you need to do and then doing it. More on this in a future episode.
Okay, that’s it for this month. Be true to yourself!
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Thought for June
The “Answer”
In 1976, someone important to me quit smoking. He described himself as a cigarette addict, even following people around the street who carried cigarettes after he quit so he could smell the smoke.
It took him many attempts before he was able to quit, finally taking a group class in which he was voted “least likely to be smoke free” one year after the class. Well he quit then, and was one of two from that class who remained so a year later (and to this day).
The lesson he shared with me about his success was this: what worked for him was persistence. He wanted to be smoke free badly, but prior to, and in, 1976, there were less treatment options than today. So he just kept trying different things at different times. Despite many setbacks and complete relapses, he finally pulled it off.
Lack of success does not mean failure or lack of desire. Sometimes people succeed after the tenth try, or after the fourth treatment, or whenever. A statistic I heard early on as a chemical dependency counselor was that the average chemical dependency client went through treatment 8.5 times before achieving sobriety. Does that mean that person didn’t want it after the first try? Perhaps. There are many reasons someone might enter treatment and not want sobriety. However, I feel confident stating that many within that statistic wanted it badly, and struggled mightily.
People experience different trials, and have different strengths, weaknesses, tools, and supports that make their job easier or more challenging. Some might quit a negative behavior on their first try. Some follow a very different path. Your road is your own; neither better nor worse than anyone else’s.
So if you are trying to change a behavior and keep missing your goal, keep trying and, especially, try something different. There is no shame in missing the mark or relapsing. In some cases it can be part of the process. If you persist, and are committed to engaging new behaviors, I know you will succeed. Stay tuned. More on this subject next month… I would love to hear from you. If you are willing to share your story about a hard-won success, please email me with your story of how you accomplished your goal. I will collect, edit, and print them (anonymously) at some point in the future. Your story might be just the thing to help someone overcome his or her struggle. You can email me at trance@twcny.rr.com. Thanks!
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Thought for July
Dealing with Compulsions
Have you ever tried to quit doing something you feel compelled to do? Maybe you want to quit smoking, compulsive eating, fingernail biting, or something else. Here are some thoughts that might help.
Each time we choose to engage that behavior we want to quit, be aware there is often a positive reason we do it. Maybe we feel calmer, it distracts us from a more difficult emotion or task, it gives us something to do when we’re bored, or some other reason. Sometimes the behavior itself seems to have an intense draw, like an unquenchable craving: “I have to have a cigarette or I’ll go crazy.”
Here are a couple of thoughts. First of all, did you know that the average craving lasts only three minutes? It certainly doesn’t feel like it while you are immersed in it, but the next time you experience a craving, I encourage you to see how long it takes for that craving to pass. I’ve heard some people say they have cravings that last all day long. That’s probably not the case. Often it’s brief cravings that occur repeatedly, and will diminish over time if they avoid reverting to the old behavior.
Also know you can stop a behavior at any point. For example, if you are committed to quitting, and think about having a cigarette, you can stop the process at that point. Just because you had a thought doesn’t mean you have to have a cigarette. If you buy a pack, you can throw them out before you smoke the first. If you light one up, you can crush it out and throw out the rest. If you smoke a whole one, you can throw out the rest. And if you relapse completely, you can recommit to starting again. Each time you work toward your goal, you become stronger, and learn more tools. If you want it, you will have it.
Which gets to my next point. I believe to recover from any addictive behavior, you must engage in behaviors that, in the past, might have felt difficult, inconvenient, uncomfortable, or painful, but had long-term positive outcomes.
If engaging the negative behavior has “worked” for you in the past, and is easiest – and it likely is easiest because it is often the most practiced behavior – the new behavior will likely feel uncomfortable, difficult, or inconvenient at first. But if you can get past the short-term discomfort, even once, you have one more success upon which you can draw.
Remember what that successful event feels like. You lived through it, despite what you might have thought in the moment! If you can do it once, you can do it more than once. If you slip, so be it. Accept that as part of the process and give yourself credit for the times you did it right. They have been hard-won, and you deserve the credit.
Okay, go for it and congratulations for every single success!
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Thought for August
This can be a wonderful time of year. Central New York summers are one of the more temperate and beautiful in the country. While other areas suffer with unbearable heat, we generally have an average amount of rainfall and fewer days of extremely high temperatures. Unfortunately, there are a limited number of days to enjoy the weather and, on top of that, many of us work full time, indoors much of the day.
For some of us staying indoors is just fine – we like thermostat-moderated temperatures, don’t want to feel bothered in the sun’s heat, or carry an umbrella in case it rains. Indoors to car to indoors is just fine, thank you.
For others, it’s frustrating to feel cooped up in an enclosed environment during “the best part of the day”, and we feel tired from the circulating indoor air. If you are one of the latter, it might be important to break up your day to get outside.
“But wait”, you say, “I’m too busy and too tired to get outside”.
Consider the following: David Bohl, of Slow Down Fast, says taking a break from work increases motivation and inspiration. I would add that getting outdoors is a great way to feel like you’ve taken part in the summer. Here’s what I suggest to help with both:
Each day for the next week, take at least ten minutes – preferably a half-hour - to leave your office and take a walk or, if you are physically unable, get to a place separate from work and, preferably, peaceful. The longer you give yourself, the more effective this will be. Before you leave the house in the morning, arm yourself with appropriate outerwear, and an umbrella if necessary. Schedule this break into your day and then take it! You might also want to take a pen and scrap of paper with you. I’ll explain why shortly.
While outside, you can focus on personal thoughts, the environment, breathing, or anything other than work. However, if you’ve had a busy workday, you might find your thoughts swimming with work related issues. That’s okay too; it might be your way of processing loose ends. Allow those thoughts to be there for a little while, and, when you’re ready, gently usher them out. If a particular thought stubbornly refuses to leave, or you get a flash of inspiration, write it down (hence the pen and paper), so you can address it later, and then let your mind move on to other thoughts. If you want, you can appreciate the outdoor air, the sun – if it’s sunny, and/or the breeze. Or, if it’s raining, you can appreciate the opportunity to cover your head with the umbrella and be alone.
When you return to the office, I’ll suspect your mind will be clearer and you will have more energy. If you feel wistful looking outside later in the day, simply take a moment to remember your time outside. You can be there in your head, and that might help get you through the rest of your day.
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Thought for September
“Depressingly Easy”
“Depressingly Easy” is the title of a recent Scientific American Mind article (August/September 2008, p.30-37). The author, Kelly Lambert, a neuroscientist and psychologist, begins the article by stating, “We nuke prepared dishes rather than growing our own food and machine-wash ready-made clothing rather than sewing and scrubbing. Such conveniences may be contributing to rising rates of depression by depriving our brains of their hard earned rewards.”
She goes on to say that current depression rates are higher than ever, and wondered if we were living in ways damaging to our mental health. Her insight came when reading Little House on the Prairie to her daughter. She realized that Ma Ingalls had to scrub clothes on a washboard after collecting rainwater or drawing water from a well (rather than turning on a faucet) and then hang the clothes to dry, and that the Ingalls family had to make things we now take for granted – soap, toys, candles, butter, etc. She wondered whether “our cushy, digitally driven contemporary lifestyles – replete with SUVs, DVDs, laptops, cell phones and, yes, microwave ovens – may be at the root of depression in people born in the latter part of the 20th century.”
She and her students devised an experiment in which 2 groups of rats (rat brains are similar to but less complex than ours) had to search for their favorite food: the “working” rats had to search in a four piles of cage bedding, and the “trust fund rats” (I like her sense of humor) had their food laid openly on top of the piles. When later faced with more complex - in fact, impossible to resolve – and unrelated tasks, the working rats spent approximately 60% more time trying to resolve the problem, and made 30% more attempts, than the trust fund rats. She suggested that the act of accomplishing the first task (searching for and finding food) gave “the rats the motivation and confidence to persevere on a completely different challenging task.”
Dr. Lambert goes on to speculate that use of our hands is crucial to what she describes as the “effort-driven-reward circuit” because it activates so many parts of our brain, and she wondered whether adding simple, meaningful, tasks to our daily routine could improve emotional resilience.
I thought her research results made intuitive sense. I know that when I have completed a challenging task - even one I didn’t want to do because I wasn’t sure I could, or because it was inconvenient, time consuming, or “a hassle” - I felt better about myself and more self-confident. Changing the oil in my car, stacking wood, putting shingles on my roof, making jewelry, weeding my flower bed, and sewing buttons are examples of tasks in which I’ve engaged that make me feel better about myself.
Certainly medication is necessary for those whose depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and certainly it is smarter (or easier!) to “hire out” some things. However, I wonder what would happen if we engaged in tasks that challenged us – even those that, at first, we’d rather not do - and forced us to use our hands. Would we feel better in the long run? I wonder…
(Although I did my best to summarize the article, there are more details that make it a worthy read. If you are interested in reading further, I encourage you to pick up the August/September 2008 issue of Scientific American Mind.)
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Thought for October
“Making Major Decisions”
I have a friend who, in the year-and-a-half I’ve known her, has made three major life changes. Two were job related and one was a living situation. In each case, she expected the new situation would be the answer to her unhappiness and, in each case the change presented challenges that left her feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. (By the way, this often happens in relationships, too.)
For example, she was in a job that allowed her to be outdoors in nature much of the time - something she loved - and getting exercise, while doing research that fed her soul. Well, it turns out that much of the research had to be logged on a computer, so she ended up spending quite a bit of time at a desk, and she struggled with the colleagues whom she had close contact. So she gathered her personal mentors, spent a day brainstorming, and decided she wanted to teach children the topic of her expertise. She was serendipitously presented with an opportunity that met both those criteria, and she took the job.
Well, two weeks into the new job, she felt so overwhelmed by the children - who were low functioning and had behavior problems - she wasn’t sure she could continue.
Many of us enter a new situation believing it will be the fantasy we hoped. It holds the promise of freedom, joy, excitement…whatever. And, reality is, it probably does have some aspects of what our fantasy promises. The problem is that it – actually, everything - also has “down sides” as well. And, unless we’re prepared for that, we will be disappointed and, perhaps, move on to the next fantasy.
So, now what?
When major decisions need to be made – a job change, a move, a chance to become more deeply involved in a relationship, or any other big decision – it might be best to take time to look for, focus on, and magnify the negatives, especially if the situation seems the “answer to my problems”. For example, ask, “What are the risks?” and then really look for them. What are those niggling thoughts about the situation/person? What have others mentioned about the situation that has been negative for them? Rather than pushing those thoughts to the back burner, pay close attention to them.
Then magnify those thoughts. Multiply their perceived impact times ten, and ask, “Could I live with whatever the impact is?” After seriously thinking about the answer - and the answer was yes – it might be a “go”. Next, look for other concerns and ask if you could live with each of those? If the answer was no to any one of them, you might want to consider other alternatives. There is no right or wrong answer, by the way. What was right for one person might not be right for someone else – and vice versa. Remember, the question is what could you live with – not someone else.
Now, certainly, we all have made mistakes, sometimes even those using this tool. I was asked to be a church board member about 9 years ago. I spent a great deal of time on the phone with the secretary (whose position I would replace), asking him all the questions I could think of to get an idea of the job. Well, unfortunately for me, he wanted to “sell” the position, so he was less than forthright. I took the position, and regretted it. Then my choice was to stay and “suck it up” or move on. I chose to suck it up (as luck would have it, we moved to Syracuse a year-and-a-half later, so I left the position anyway), but if I had decided to let go of the position, it would have been okay, too.
Okay, stay tuned, next month, for part two of this issue: “Do I renege on something to which I’ve committed myself?”
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Thought for November
“Making Major Decisions (Part 2) - Do I Quit?”
A professor stood at the front of a class, holding a glass of water. “How heavy is this glass of water?” he asked.
The students guessed in ounces and kilograms. The professor noted their responses and said, “You all guessed well. However, the answer is, ‘it gets heavier the longer you hold it.’”
Metaphorically, this means - and I’m sure you’ll get it – that the longer you engage in an activity, the more burdensome it can become. It doesn’t mean that you’ll hate everything you do if you do it long enough, but it does mean that even things that seemed so exciting at first, eventually show their negatives.
Last month I shared about a friend who took a job she regretted, and a position I took as a board member that I regretted. Sometimes, regardless of how well thought out a decision seems, we still make mistakes. So, the question becomes, “Do I quit something to which I’ve committed myself?”
Well, there’s not one right answer but here are some questions that might help you decide:
What are the long-term implications? Is this the fifth job you’ve left in as many years? You might want to consider how it would impact future jobs and how your resume will look. If your job is horrible, but you don’t want to leave – again – can you talk to your boss about changing some aspect of the job? Do you need to adjust your attitude (this would be indicated if the same type of problem arises at each job you’ve had – likely the problem is yours)?
Can someone else do the work? Sometimes it seems like there are no other options, but when you step down, others have the chance to rise to the opportunity. I recently gave up a voluntary newsletter editing position so I could volunteer my services elsewhere. When I originally accepted the position, the person who had it before me had been looking for a replacement for two years, so I wasn’t feeling hopeful that the position would be filled. Well, I sent out an email, and within one week, someone took it on. Now, that might not have happened but - if the group for which I edited the newsletter wanted it to continue - someone would have to step up, or the newsletter would cease to be.
Is it okay to take care of yourself? Sometimes people who fear quitting are afraid of the unknown or fear they would inconvenience others. In other words “the devil they know is better than the devil they don’t know”. If the fear of the unknown is paralyzing, it might be best to stay put – or find a way to move past it if desired (that’s a whole ‘nother thought). If you fear inconveniencing others, think about the fact that you are inconvenienced. If you care for yourself, people might grumble at first but they will adjust.
What would happen if you stuck it out? Is your situation inconvenient or uncomfortable, or do feel sucked dry at the end of each day? If the latter is true, you will likely perform poorly anyway, and it will diminish your reputation, likely harming you in the long run.
If you choose to quit a situation, I suggest you give reasonable notice, and be clear and kind about your reasons. Giving notice allows others to find alternatives, and minimizes disruption. And, although you don’t have to give a reason for leaving, it allows for closure. Best to explain your choice as one you made for your own reasons, rather than because of the other party’s behavior, failings, etc. For example, it is better said, “I need to move on to enhance my skills”, than “You have a glass ceiling and I’ll never get anywhere in this company”.
There are a lot more thoughts on this issue, but I limit myself to one page. If you have comments, feel free to email them to me.
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Thought for December
Intuition
Years ago I read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin DeBecker. I found it to be one of the most powerful books I’ve read. DeBecker is a nationally know expert on the prediction and management of violence. Although I read it in the late 1990’s, I remember his premise well.
In the book, he shares stories of people who have experienced violence in different forms. He relates that, in his interviews with them, the victims often say they had a “gut feeling” about the perpetrator of violence, but they weren’t sure exactly upon what the gut feeling was based. After questioning the victims in detail, they often came up with specific things that happened that suggested they might be in danger. The victims also often denied that feeling for some reason or another.
Someone recently shared with me her discomfort about asking someone with whom she shared time and space (they shared work time in a company truck) that she wanted him to turn the radio down – or off – or change the station. She stated she was afraid to ask him to do that, but then said it was her own “issue” that she was afraid. Well, maybe. But after we talked, she realized it was hard to ask because he had given her clues about how he might respond. For example, when they got into the truck, he immediately turned on the radio and set it to a station – and decibel level – without asking her if it was okay, or asking what she wanted. By his non-verbal behavior, he was indicating that he didn’t care what she thought, was willing to interfere with her space regardless of her desires, and, likely, didn’t want to be inconvenienced in any way. So it was reasonable for her expect that he wouldn’t like hearing her point of view. In fact, that’s exactly what happened, but she had prepared to assert herself and they worked it out.
Now it won’t always happen that smoothly, but the point of this article is that, if you are uncomfortable with someone else, sometimes it’s about him or her. The person who maliciously gossips to you about others will do so about you. The person who keeps doing you favors, even if you’ve told them you want to handle situations yourself, isn’t respecting your wishes and will likely overstep his/her boundaries in other situations. These people might not be dangerous – although, also, they might be – they could simply be uncomfortable to be around. The point is, if a person violates boundaries, trust your gut and, rather than finding reasons why you might be wrong, try to identify why you feel the way you do.
We often censor our reactions: It’s not cool to be afraid. What if I insult the other person? What if I’m wrong? What if they challenge me (by the way, someone who is controlling or dangerous will challenge you)? Am I being petty? They were only trying to help. ETC…We are more likely to do this when someone appears to be doing something “nice” for us – like the example of someone doing us favors after we’ve asked them to stop.
If something doesn’t feel right, acknowledge it. You might be right or wrong - I don’t know. But if you pay attention to your inner message you can take the next right step.
Animals are great at honoring their instincts. If they don’t trust a situation, they let us know – they hide, run, growl, or become suddenly alert. And if they feel safe, they “melt”, become playful, or allow themselves to relax. And, by the way, they don’t have to be right. If you or I were to walk up to a deer with food (and without a gun), they would likely run away. The issue is – they trust their instincts, and it doesn’t matter if they are right or wrong. Perhaps we could learn from them…
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